Reflections

So it's been a(nother) while... Module 2 - Foundations in reflective theology is well under way and I'm enjoying it. To go back a little bit, though, to the meeting with my course director... It happened (eventually, after loads of other people grabbed her for 'a quick word') at the end of a really good evening session run for the whole course to introduce our new module. She asked if I was ok. I gave her a potted history of the last seven or so months which began just before my interview for this course - sudden death of friend, breakdown of husband, loss of husband's job, increase in my hours, missing the girls, missing *out* on the girls, not having a minute to myself, unable to have breakdown because husband having one... But at the same time loving this course (just struggling to find study time). She was awesome. She got me in a way I don't think I had got me, to be honest. So we came up with this plan: suspend from module one (and submit assignments in the summer); continue to modules two and three (using my lovely day off in the week that will come from my new job! Hurray!) So, module 2 is underway, with two new members to our group and friendships really growing amongst us. Prayer time tonight was fab! Reflection in theology is different to nursing, but I think once I have my head round it (I really like the textbook we're using) it will actually be much more 'me' :-) Tonight I was able to share about a time when I had been chatting to a patient - obviously not admit spiritual matters, as I can only do that if they initiate such a conversation - and they spoke about a chaplain that my hubby and in had met during the immediate period after our friend's death. The chaplain had really helped him and, although in couldn't talk God too much with him, it was amazing to think of the the jigsaw pieces God was putting in place with him... Outside of the course (but a big improvement for me in terms of getting back to doing my normal stuff) I am reading The Five Love Languages of Children, which I can so far highly recommend. I feel very bad about how impatient and cross I can get with the girls these days (usually fuelled by anxiety and sheer exhaustion) but it's helping me to realise that all the changes that have happened to us as a family have affected Cupcake's moods, Cookie's sleep... So I'm trying to understand their primary love languages (Cookie's are definitely physical touch and words of affirmation; not certain about Cupcake yet but I think receiving gifts and quality time might be at the top of the list) so that I can refill their emotional tanks. It's very American but it's good. I'm also reading Stop dietimg-start living, which so far has shown me some of the reasons behind my emotional eating so that rather than just knowing I overeay emotionally, I can try to tackle some of those reasons and start to make changes. I know this hasn't just been about the course, but other bits of life are getting more normal again, which feels important to share. My course director said that after huge (unplanned) change, her brain was mush for about a year. It's still time to be kind to myself.

Acknowledgment...

I emailed my course director last week in a moment of bravery, clarity and ?desperation!!! It came as one of my colleagues announced on Facebook that she had done six hours' solid essay writing. I just can't do that. Apart from sleep time I just don't have that amount of work and child free time... :-( I'm meeting her on Thursday to chat so prayers would be appreciated. I know this is what I should be doing. On a positive note, I got the job I applied for before Christmas so in eight weeks' time I will have a day and a half to myself again. I just need to hope they will let me carry on. I've made as many sacrifices on my time as I can think to do but the reality is there just isn't very much of it!

Forget Candy Crush; it's all about Cinquains!

This isn't really an acceptable time two between journal entries - of that I am aware - but these are some Cinquains I produced during an exercise on our Reader study day on Preaching yesterday. I loved it! It's basically a poem that you produce by going through a series of steps; yesterday we read or listened to a Bible passage and then tried to convert the 'big ideas' into a Cinquain. These are my efforts...

Based on Matthew 14: 28-33

Peter.
Scared, amazed, daring...
Desperately, bravely
tries.
Superstar.

Friend.
Vulnerable, terrified,
Praying, hoping, fearing,
With an uncertain mind
Believes.

And based on Mark 13: 24-37

Redeemer.
Restoring, perfecting.
Come, heal, forgive.
Our world needs you
Lord.

Saviour.
Beautiful, triumphant, eternal,
Returning glorified.
Saving
God.

Seriously, I loved this exercise.

I will journal more soon, I promise, but prayers for concentration and focus would be appreciated :-)

Working arrangement.

Today I met with my course director and rector. We had a really good chat and it turned out that there are more than me struggling with the work load of this course. It was reassuring to hear, as I had been thinking over the last weekend, as I was trying to make sense of all the reading I've done, that I might have bitten off more than i can chew... In the induction, they said the course is designed to be manageable for people who work full time... I'm not sure it's manageable if you work full time *and* have two children :-( It was reassuring to know that the diocese had not envisaged it being this heavy, and that future modules should not be so. But I just have to get through this one... I am determined and I have always worked well to deadlines so i will just plough on... I submitted my draft and received good, constructive feedback, although I am very confused about all these other exegetical methods out there as I can't seem to identify them! Apparently I will go "on placement" over Easter! This came as a bit of a shock... What about the holy week prayer mosaic?! What about the Good Friday family event and lunch?! My Rector says it is time to prepare emotionally and spiritually that I will not spend Easter in our church this year... On a slightly different, but very hopeful note, I also had a really positive visit to a prospective new job... It would allow me a day and a half a week to myself again, and involve far fewer hours driving to and from work.

Spiritual director again.

This week I met again with my SD and told her about the passage I have chosen for my assignment. James 2:14-26. I have always loved the book of James for its frankly brutal honesty! Although obviously faith in and a relationship with Jesus are the *most* important things, as a nurse (we have to reflect on everything!) I'm very big on "so what?!" What does this faith DO?! I was therefore a little concerned to realise that James's teaching is basically considered to be completely at odds with that of Paul, who we have discussed in all of our group discussions so far... In any case, my SD enjoyed talking through my thoughts so far and offered me the suggestion that she really likes to take something tangible away from a sermon. We had written prayer squares in a service I had led in the summer, and she had found that really useful. It got me thinking about the second part of the assignment, which is a presentation of my exegesis.

Session three: Luke

In this session I learned what 'midrash' means. It refers to rabbinic literature/commentaries on the Hebrew scriptures: basically it explains the "rules". We also looked at Gematria, which blew my mind a bit and is seemingly a code derived as part of biblical analysis by some incredible clever and deep people... What was interesting is that the number 14 in this code is deemed to be significant as it means 'kingship', 'David', 'gold' (these were the different answers we had all found); all words pointing to the line of David. The genealogies set out in Luke's gospel are all in lines of 14... I like Luke. He was a physician and wrote a great, logical and detailed history. It makes sense to me :-)

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander...

My Reader Ministry course officially started some time in September with an induction. I was so excited as I drove from work up to Chesterfield, via a nice quiet half hour to myself for some tea at Sainsbury’s in Ripley. I love to learn. And I love to discover, and to share. Starting my Reader training is the result of a couple of years’ yearning and discerning…mixed in with all the other busy, family and work stuff. I had heard an audible call in 2003 to become a nurse. It was a call that surprised me, seemingly, more than it did other people, and I still know it is my calling. But in 2015, after the death of my Great Uncle Albert, who had been a great spiritual inspiration to me all my life, I began to talk to God and hear from him about a new calling…a new song he wanted to put in my mouth. I had been developing a ministry of a sort in my church for a while… suggesting worship songs, leading a women’s bible study group, developing new friendships and working with the young children (although this is definitely not my primary are of gifting!). I spoke to Stephen (Rector) and Geraldine (DDVO) about Calling, and realised that it was either ordained or not ordained. I had thought there would be much more choice! In February 2016 I went to the final service of the vicar who married my husband and me, before he retired, in South Wales. I knew from what he said about ministry that I had to obey a call and think seriously about my own ministry. I arrived at my interview for Reader ministry confident that, despite a stressful few weeks - which had begun with a tragedy and culminated in what felt like some huge, upsetting and unplanned life shifts for our family – it was the right time for me to pursue my calling to a ministry that I know will be broad, challenging and fun. (I hate the word ‘rewarding’!) On my way to the interview I thought about Maz, a Police Community Support Officer who fairly recently left our village for a new home. Maz had a huge impact on the community, being a visible and approachable representative for the Police. School children knew her, and knew that they could always approach her if they either wanted or needed to. She would drop in to Church on a Sunday morning when she was on duty; have a coffee and then stand at the back for the first fifteen minutes or so. I felt that I wanted to help our community to see a tangible link between the Church and the rest of the village…to make more links…to have people know they can come to the Church whenever. To be a light in the darkness. A couple of years ago a local young man went missing, and was subsequently found dead. In their grief his family came to the church one night to gather, to play music and light candles, and they asked the Rector to be there with them, to pray. They had no hope, and they came to the church. A light in the darkness. I have now started my training, and attended two study meetings. Difficulties in the logistics of the meetings, and getting back to grips with studying aside, I am becoming clearer about what I want and need from my training. I want to see the purpose of God in my generation… I want people to discover that God loves them and they have an identity and purpose which he has made for them. I want to see people connecting with God, in positive relationships, enjoying worship, being empowered to be brave and passionate people who bring the love of Jesus to their community; and above all I want to see them know the acceptance of God. My ministry will involve, as well as preaching and leading worship, engaging with and involving families in the life of the church (such as in our Christmas and Easter family events in the last year, but also at the school gate and at home); outreach, especially to those families, perhaps in preparing for Baptism; children’s work (although I don’t feel I am particularly gifted in this area, but committed to it due to my own young children); involvement in the prayer life of the church; PCC.

Spiritual director.

When I was accepted on to my training, it was with the agreement that i would seek support from a Spiritual Director to help me with my work-life balance. I chose someone whom I didn't know well, but whom I knew would be very committed and honest with me. When we met for the first time, we agreed that she would pray for me regularly and help me keep hold of my own identity: not a small task as I often feel there isn't much of that at the moment!! She knew the pain and struggles we had been through as a family 're gently and was willing to catch up with me regularly, but also takes an interest in the girls and my hubby. I also sought the help of a long-time friend who has been iinspirational and supportive in my faith for nearly twenty years, but who is in a very similar situation to me in terms of family,career and calling. She made the decision to contact me by text message every Monday and Thursday - it fits her schedule but coincidentally those are the two days I used to have off work...the days I grieved for for weeks after I started back full time... She reads this blog too, and shares parts of her own life and struggles. Both relationships have grown and been blessed in the last few months.

Study day

The aim of the first study day was to "Engage more purposefully with New Testament text". Andy - the amazingly charismatic and captivating lecturer who has put together this,our first module - led us to the most frequent command in the Bible. Know what it is? DO NOT BE AFRAID. Ok, so I could [try] to stop being terrified of the assignment. During the day we talked about the assignment, which is to be an Exegesis of a passage of NT text. Exegesis means to "draw out" and we had done an exercise in it, using a model given to us, in our first group session. We did some more practising on the study day and it made it all a lot less scary and a bit more doable. Andy told us as part of the day that there are lots more examples of exegesis and I made myself a note to look for more... It was such a good study day and good to be with people from the other study groups too.

Session two...

This week the notes I wrote down (having managed to prepare more fully this time, although the two hours I put aside for that didn't really cut it...) are: Matt 17: The Transfiguration. Moses = the Law Elijah = the Prophets. Peter, James and John: always those three!!! I learn well from little "nuggets": the have a great impact on me and make sense of things. Some of the YouTube clips in the prep have been quite long this week and I found them hard to concentrate on. This week before the session I also saw my cover, who is really excited about this course as she has never meet anyone doing "this kind of thing" before and says I light up when I talk about it. In our session she mentioned The Serenity Prayer and I was reminded of it. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference. (Niebuhr) We talked about knowing my limitations (and picking my battles where parenting is concerned); modifying my expectations of myself; and peace with my humanity... I'm a little less clear on the meaning of the latter but I'm working on it...

Session one...

This week we had our first group session. I think it's fair to say that we were all quite apprehensive... There are six of us in our group; plus a BSL interpreter; plus our two facilitators, S and J. There had been some teething problems with preparing for this evening, as not everyone had been able to access 'block's for the resources,or in my case hadn't been able to find the resources even though I was logged in successfully! So we got to know each other a little; moved the room round and tried to establish some ground rules. One of my colleagues very kindly went to photocopy all the resources she had magically been able to find on the website and we managed to find our way through the session; me writing myself a lengthy "to do/read/watch" list for the coming week... This is going to be tough. But a lot of fun.